my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
