she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
ugly people sure do ruin things
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
