you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
