I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
