i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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