And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
