I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
