Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
