I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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