We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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