I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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