I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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