Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
