A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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