It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
