My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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