Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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