dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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