I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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