i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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