Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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