I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude i'm inner monologue high
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
