She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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