just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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