I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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