FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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