can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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