OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
