I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
