so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
