Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
