My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
