kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
