I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
