did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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