i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
