My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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