Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
