At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
