sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
