friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
did i just pee glitter
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
