I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
