I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
