You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The uberlube is also flammable
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
