Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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