All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
