when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
