Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
