Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night