God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's shark week go big or go home
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
