I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
