oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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