i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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