Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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