I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
