Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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