why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
